100 funniest things you've ever seen on a resume

This list that Jacob Share compiled is a riot -- condensed to 100 for your enjoyment. ;)

1. “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
2. “1990 - 1997: Stewardess - Royal Air Force”
3. Hobbies: “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
4. “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”
5. Cleaning skills: “bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c”
6. “Job involved…counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available”
7. “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people”
8. “I’m intrested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
9. “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
10. “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with”
11. “I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…”
12. Candidate included a letter from his mother.
13. Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words.
14. Candidate wrote résumé as a play - Act 1, Act 2, etc.
15. Candidate included naked picture of himself.
16. “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”
17. Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here”
18. “an applicant ghosted a headshot as the background to her resume”
19. Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
20. “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
21. Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”
22. Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
23. A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
24. Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”.
25. Under “job related skills” - for a web designer - “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
26. My sister-in-law misspelled the word “proofreading” in her skill set.
27. The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.
28. Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
29. Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
30. “I am great with the pubic.”
31. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
32. The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.
33. One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.
34. “…sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm…”
35. “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”
36. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles.
37. Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
38. I once received a resume with a head and shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion’s head, wearing a coat, shirt, and tie.
39. A resume… was printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
40. One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.
41. A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
42. Hobbies: “Having a good time”
43. Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
44. Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
45. Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”
46. Candidate included family medical history.
47. “nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé”
48. “One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé”
49. “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”
50. “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”
51. “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”
52. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
53. “I often use a laptap.”
54. “Able to say the ABCs backward in under five seconds.”
55. “I am a wedge with a sponge taped to it. My purpose is to wedge myself into someone’s door to absorb as much as possible.”
56. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
57. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
58. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
59. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
60. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
61. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
62. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
63. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
64. “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
65. “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
66. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
67. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
68. Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
69. Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
70. Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
71. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
72. Additional skills: “I am a Notary Republic.”
73. Objective: “So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’”
74. Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
75. Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.”
76. Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.”
77. Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
78. Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
79. Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
80. Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
81. Skills: “Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years.”
82. Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.”
83. Education: “I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more.”
84. Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
85. Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
86. Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
87. Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
88. References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
89. Work experience: “Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get.”
90. Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.”
91. Personal: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut.”
92. Job duties: “Filing, billing, printing and coping.”
93. Application: “Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking.”
94. Reason for leaving: “Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.’”
95. Personal: “My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.”
96. Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born - my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
97. Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.”
98. Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
99. In the section that read “Emergency Contact Number” she wrote “911.”
100. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.”